Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
