i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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