shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
