ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
