she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
