Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
