my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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