I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
should my penis look like a turkey
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
