You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
