I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
