I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
