I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
