I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
