oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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