I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
