my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
