I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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