I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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