God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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