when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
