Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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