Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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