I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
