i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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