If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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