was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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