how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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