You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
