I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Found the puke drawer
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
