Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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