i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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