still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
