So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
3pm strippers are depressing
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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