some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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