so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
