Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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