i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
