This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
