My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
