Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
