Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
