He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This baby is an asshole
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
