It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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