the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
