They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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