i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
