I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
