He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
