Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
