I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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