Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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Be still, my beating vagina.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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