Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
