I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
