my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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