saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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