I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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