We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
