I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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