If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
